As I tried to source the correct selection of words to type for my first blog entry this morning, my brother came into my room somewhat enraged with our sister’s son for ‘bathing’ his son with a cup of tea.
After scolding him, he we had this conversation:
Bro: Eh ya have paper on ya phone dey I want to make a small call
Me: Nah boy…wham?
Bro: Sigh.. Dem people (his boss) playing mad inno! Yuh eh see I not going to work. Dem doh want to pay me my money jed. Ya feel is thing.. Ya eh see they was protesting on news last night. See what I does be telling ya… Everytime I try to elevate meh self is always some fight down! Is best I sell drugs and rob and shoot people…. I fed up inno!!!!
Before I could have asked him exactly what he was fed up with, he had already left my room along with my heart. I wanted to hug him so bad and tell him don’t be discouraged, but I am not the affectionate type and I rarely show any emotions. I felt the frustration in his voice and saw the weariness in his face. I wanted to share certain things with him, one of which was to stop viewing himself as the victim and trails occur to makes us stronger.
Knowing my brother like I know myself, he would have responded asking me how much more he must endure before he got his slice of heaven. He believes in God to a point but not our ‘Holy Book’ as he claims it was written my man to ‘thief our head’. He’s not into the spiritual and attending church is the last thing on his mind. I’m not saying attending church would make life ok but I only wish he would apply his faith in Tupac and his ‘Thug Life’ teachings to Go and build a relationship with HIM.
How am I supposed to give my brother encouragement when he lacks faith? Unlike me as I have faith like a mustard seed and my response to him would have been to pray. Now I am not going to act holier than thou (stole that from Kanye) as I had and continue to struggle with things that at times make me question my faith. I have been to hell, through hell and at a point I believed I was stuck there. Life has dealt me the wrong hand, I have consumed the burnt side of the toast, people have poured vinegar on my wound and life has chewed me up and spit me out.
There were times when I felt like giving up and I prayed to die as I was fed up with drenching my bed with my tears. I know what it feels like to be alone, lost and having no one find you and talk with. I know about walking around with a heavy heart, a broken spirit and being misunderstood. There were days that I didn’t feel like leaving my house as life had become too much for me. I know about being stressed out and fearful, restless and heavily burden.
I have learnt not to lean unto my own understanding and eventually I found rest in God. I have found favor in his sight and I have learnt (the hard way) to let God be my joy (not man or performing or food) and my strength (not Redbull or Monster). I have learnt to let go and let God, as faith makes things possible not easier.
When I get consumed and feel encaged, I fall on my knees and pour my heart out to God, He is the closest friend I have. I understand that I am also a spiritual being so I need to feed my soul with positivity, so not only in times of distress but even on a ‘normal’ day I meditate with God. I know now that God is for me and I openly welcome stress (I rather not be stressed though lol). Yes I may fall and still don’t trust easily but God never gives you more than you can bear. None are to wise make a mistake.
So even though I may have to cry whole night, know that I am not discouraged, I just don’t smile.
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