Life is not like ice cream

I once read a poem written by my ex-boyfriend; and he used this line “Love is not about cake and ice cream!” I don’t know why I still remember this one line lol. It was only when someone mentioned to me that one of my monologues was a bit too real that I remembered it and I applied it to life. I remembered how he had explained to me that fairy tale love didn't exist in reality, that’s what his phrase meant.

I told you that to say this. The other night one of my good friends and I were chatting on the phone and during the conversation they said “Zaki I was on ya fan page today, listening to some of ya monologues and hear nah I doh like ‘Nobody wants to play with me’ inno.” I politely asked them why and eagerly waited on their reply. Their response shocked me, as they claimed that particular piece was too raw, to sorrowful, to real! I listened how ‘they doh like them kinda vibes’ and it almost made them cry. It was then I said “Life is not like ice cream inno and people doh like to face reality!” and decided I should blog about it.

When we are young we women are subliminally thought to wait our Prince Charming to awaken us from our sleep and make us their Princess or that our Knight in Shining Amor would make everything ok. Those with the power have convinced us that life is like a double fudge sundae with a cherry on top and we could always get a refill. And it’s ok to live with seven men in a little cottage somewhere in the brush as forbidden love is acceptable. But what happens when those seven men turn around and violate you as a young lady? Where is the fairy God mother when they take your innocence and physically assault you? Would a knight in shining armor make a HIV positive lady their mistress? Could a junkie or fiend sleep on silk sheets or even step foot into a castle?

They never thought us how to fight back (dependent never independent), how to deal with hurt, anger and rejection. They never thought us about hope, how to endure, how to be patient, persistent humble and obedient. That in times of anguish and pain we should put not our trust in man as we are naturally corrupt and evil, but that we should turn the incorruptible to God who hand is not shortened to help us.

As I write, I just saw on my twitter feed that a 14 year old committed suicide by hanging himself, I can’t help but grieve in my spirit for him and the other tormented souls that would be in eternal damnation.

As long as I have life in my monologues I would be raw and uncut!

Black and Yellow Venom

I am controlled by that substance that was present in time before time,
I responsible for killing out the dinosaurs back in the days when I was young and in my prime
See I too goonta for hell as I murder Zeus, Medusa and Hercules with my whistle and my rhymes
I break bread with the devil play pitch with Jack the Ripper share the same birthdate as Hitler
And not even meh mother could understand or decipher my mind.
I am in every polluted mind, in every slit wrist, needled injected skin every pull snort and tear
I ain’t stopping till I take over your brain
And not stopping until your soul is mine

Between your soul and mine, one hang like three upsided down nine
I am the love child of destruction and misery, that’s why my heart black like tar and my ways unkind
My appearance make your blood crawl and your eyes bleed
All that happen before the age ah three as not even Holy Water could contain me
Even the grim reaper fear me, all the obeah men does turn to me
I am black and yellow venom with a shoe of gold that is anxious to run a marathon with you soul

Your spirit squash by my shoe sole into sacking bodies since I was six years old
The cemetery is my home as my bed if forever filled with worms and my fingertips cold
Although I’m 5 foot 2 I am bitter, fearless and egotistically bold
I’m so deadly that some claim I’m non existent
I’ll strangle your shadow and swallow your existence
Leave Fangs marks on your soul as your spirit can no longer put up a resistance
Infiltrate your blood vessels even with an incomplete sentence

Wink twice and place you in St. Ann’s
Shouldn’t mess with black and yellow eh… as my venom is very persistent
Chew your brains like a pack of trident even if you’re prudent
It cah save your meager soul from being capture by my evil consultant
With me is only pain that is constant and my misery and destruction is consistent
My yellow glove would snatch your breath of life
And if you wrestle against me I’ll stick nine inch nails in your eyes
Black and yellow venom is like acid to your skin and flesh eating lice

Already kill your spiritual now throwing your physical to the mice
At the age of thirteen I pulled out each of your toenail and trade them pair of dice
I am so deadly that I need not a gun or a knife
Could do this without my hands as with my cape you would strife
Consume your future and all your positive vibes
Force my venom in your insides and boast at your death rite
On your tombstone they would be unsure what too write and I Zakiya Gill will spit black and yellow venom on your burial site
 

Winniing piece for Best Village Traditions of Carnival Competiton and Mayaro Regional Carnival Committee Monday Night Mas 

Streets are Talking

I wear my heart on my sleeve, for it will hurt when you leave
It will feel like I am losing my soul but I cannot guarantee you that I will grieve
Even with a slit wrist, I refuse to bleed
Clutching my chest as I struggle to breathe
Death sounds good right now but I am ready to lead
Enslaved by my own thoughts as every line that your read is only my silent voice screaming to be free
Similar to a raging sea, reluctantly I agree to cast all your burdens on me
As the hero needs saving and the streets are saying that it could be my rock and my shield


When one have nothing but pipe water to drink, these streets could steal your sanity;
In the hot sun, bareback, conducting your own form of ministry
As the streets are saying that I am your poster child and you could live vicariously through me
So you adorn yourself with silver and gold, giving yourself a false sense of hope,
That you could find comfort in a piece of jewelry
As men become lovers of themselves, should not surprise me
As this is only a glimpse of the fulfillment of prophecy


No longer bright eyes and brushy tailed, these babies have no sense of direction
Their daddies are young and immature, having no formal education
Their mother abortion lacks information
Now, they are weeping and mourning, as their lives are in a bleak situation
No body to show them wrong from right
Dwelling on the thought, that it is the size of the fight that would hold them tight
Hustle sun up, sun down, without an end in sight
Until you get killed by your own ambition
As the streets are saying, “He was a good boy, they do not have any right to end his life.”


To many girls my age, operating like they have an extra heat and inner rage
What would  you to make a someone treat you like something in a cage
Things like this, really do hurt my heart,
No one have respect for females and their body parts
Most preach the path, but do not walk the path,
Fascinated by the ice, that it beings to run their life; but in this life,
There are no room for mistakes
Black supposed to be beautiful?
Then why, inject your face? Change your face? And cling to those that claim to keep the faith


The things they proclaim are so weak, sex without condoms
You are going to get what you meet, it have something call AIDS
The new pandemic and the new plague
It worse than the ten in the biblical days
So I need you to stop and think and change your ways
As it do not matter what the streets are saying, you would be easily destroyed in your rein

XI

If you know me or are a friend of mind on facebook (personal page) you'd notice my name is Zaki XI. Many personshave asked me "So Z what is the meaning of XI."

XI is the roman numeral for 11. It is "My number" 

I can't really go into details but here is the short version: 

There are 17 letters in my full name. 

Those 17 letters total to 83.

There are 7 vowels and 10 consonants. 

The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist and a dreamer. 

The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. It is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. I have the capacity to be inspirational and the ability to lead merely by my own example. 

My soul urge number is 4 hence my personal twitter name is KIYAIV= za(kiya) iv (4) 

The negative side of the 4 is that i am rigid, stubborn and somewhat narrow-minded. There is a tendency to hide feelings, or to really not be aware of real feelings. 

My Inner Dream number is 7 

Confused? lol 

I am not discouraged... I just don’t smile

As I tried to source the correct selection of words to type for my first blog entry this morning, my brother came into my room somewhat enraged with our sister’s son for ‘bathing’ his son with a cup of tea.

After scolding him, he we had this conversation:

Bro: Eh ya have paper on ya phone dey I want to make a small call

Me: Nah boy…wham?

Bro: Sigh.. Dem people (his boss) playing mad inno! Yuh eh see I not going to work. Dem doh want to pay me my money jed. Ya feel is thing.. Ya eh see they was protesting on news last night. See what I does be telling ya… Everytime I try to elevate meh self is always some fight down! Is best I sell drugs and rob and shoot people…. I fed up inno!!!!

Before I could have asked him exactly what he was fed up with, he had already left my room along with my heart. I wanted to hug him so bad and tell him don’t be discouraged, but I am not the affectionate type and I rarely show any emotions. I felt the frustration in his voice and saw the weariness in his face. I wanted to share certain things with him, one of which was to stop viewing himself as the victim and trails occur to makes us stronger.

Knowing my brother like I know myself, he would have responded asking me how much more he must endure before he got his slice of heaven. He believes in God to a point but not our ‘Holy Book’ as he claims it was written my man to ‘thief our head’. He’s not into the spiritual and attending church is the last thing on his mind. I’m not saying attending church would make life ok but I only wish he would apply his faith in Tupac and his ‘Thug Life’ teachings to Go and build a relationship with HIM.

How am I supposed to give my brother encouragement when he lacks faith? Unlike me as I have faith like a mustard seed and my response to him would have been to pray. Now I am not going to act holier than thou (stole that from Kanye) as I had and continue to struggle with things that at times make me question my faith. I have been to hell, through hell and at a point I believed I was stuck there. Life has dealt me the wrong hand, I have consumed the burnt side of the toast, people have poured vinegar on my wound and life has chewed me up and spit me out.

There were times when I felt like giving up and I prayed to die as I was fed up with drenching my bed with my tears. I know what it feels like to be alone, lost and having no one find you and talk with. I know about walking around with a heavy heart, a broken spirit and being misunderstood. There were days that I didn’t feel like leaving my house as life had become too much for me. I know about being stressed out and fearful, restless and heavily burden.

I have learnt not to lean unto my own understanding and eventually I found rest in God. I have found favor in his sight and I have learnt (the hard way) to let God be my joy (not man or performing or food) and my strength (not Redbull or Monster). I have learnt to let go and let God, as faith makes things possible not easier.

When I get consumed and feel encaged, I fall on my knees and pour my heart out to God, He is the closest friend I have. I understand that I am also a spiritual being so I need to feed my soul with positivity, so not only in times of distress but even on a ‘normal’ day I meditate with God. I know now that God is for me and I openly welcome stress (I rather not be stressed though lol). Yes I may fall and still don’t trust easily but God never gives you more than you can bear. None are to wise make a mistake. 

So even though I may have to cry whole night, know that I am not discouraged, I just don’t smile.

ZakiyaSpeaks: Facebook, Twitter, Reverbnation

I am Zakiya Gill

I am Zakiya Gill a 21 year old writer/actor/poet/dramatist with an insatiable passion for performing. I have decided to remove my makeup, all my face painting, take off my body suits and metallic gloves and show you the real me. This blog is not about Hov, Lucy Grey, the Grim Reaper or any of the personalities that take over when I am on stage. It’s about me Zakiya just ‘speaking my mind’. This blog is a peek into my mind and everyday life. It’s a look into the challenges I encounter and how I deal with them. A database of all the lessons that I learn. It’s a place to record my successes and where memories of old emotions and past events are be dealt with from time to time.

Think of it as an E-Dairy. lol I like the sound of that “Zakiya Speaks: An E-Dairy” *dusts dirt of my shoulder*

I decided to start blogging for two reasons, firstly because I was forced into it lol (Eh calling any names…. Eh making ah scene lol). Secondly I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and I was blessed with an extraordinary gift of writing. Most of my monologues are inspired by my life experiences but I am way too shy to ‘be myself’ on a stage, so characters are created. I consider this blog as part of my ‘Rebirth’ and a medium to get my thoughts heard offstage.

I have rid myself of fear, learnt to control my temper, and stopped 'taking people on' (working on the patience). In the last 9 months I have learnt a lot about myself and feel like a new person. Everyone has problems and we all battle our demons so hopefully I’ll be able to inspire a few to ‘speak up’ and to those that are afraid to, know you’re not alone! 

I am Zakiya Gill do you know who you are???

ZakiyaSpeaks: Facebook, Twitter, Reverbnation